Week 11: an original script winner
One I’d long heard about but never gotten to, but I think getting into this movie does perhaps require advance knowledge that it’s a satire, going deliberately over the top to make a point rather than restricting itself to a standard, realistic narrative. The main effect of this is the the majority of the story is told through long, dramatic monologues where characters explain their whole deal for three solid minutes. But it is a very strong and sadly unheeded warning about the commodification of news. Maybe if we’d paid more attention to what happens when news media cares more about exploiting a circus for profit than keeping the public informed, we’d be in better shape as a society.
Rating: 4/5
Week 12: controversial film
A movie about the evils of exploiting the titular circus performers that also appears to exist to cinematically exploit the same circus performers, to the point of having siblings play love interests rather than find additional little people. I do appreciate the plot, in which the pretty people are the villains for targeting their, shall we say, differently abled colleagues, and the scene where the tables get turned is appropriately creepy, but it takes a while to get going and when your central characters are German circus performers trying to get by in their second (at best) language, you don’t get the deepest performances. It’s an interesting relic but Grand Hotel it ain’t.
Rating: 2.5/5
Week 13: based on or turned into a TV series
The big challenge this week was not taking the easy route and just re-watching one of the Mission: Impossible movies, which I do love doing. No, I’d find something new, and as it happens, I had the original Librarian trilogy on DVD. The Librarian: Quest for the Spear, in which perpetual grad student Flynn Carson (Noah Wyle) is recruited to be the Librarian, guardian of all things magic on Earth, was a surprisingly fun romp for a straight-to-basic-cable TV movie, and when the team behind Leverage made the spin-off show The Librarians, it was my exact jam. But I hadn’t gotten around to watching the other two movies that came between, so I thought this was the time.
And Return to Solomon’s Mines was a decent time. Didn’t have quite the same manic energy as Quest for the Spear or any given episode of The Librarians, and it was impossible not to see the “curse your sudden yet inevitable betrayal” twist coming, but Gabrielle Anwar was a decent foil, Wyle’s always fun in this role, I had an okay time with it, no regrets, still haven’t watched the third one yet.
Rating: 3/5
Week 14: based on a true story
Okay, so, my first choice was Judgement at Nuremberg, but March had not been a good month so I called an audible and went with this. And to be honest, chat, it is distinctly possible that this movie takes some Conjuring franchise-level liberties with the phrase “based on true events” but it’s not like prestige biopics are better. Alan Turing was not bullied by the other codebreakers for fixating on his “computer” idea, Freddie Mercury did not have to convince Queen to get back together to play Live Aid (they had not split up), and a Drunk History episode featuring any popular Scottish actor given zero prep time would probably manage a more accurate take on William Wallace than Braveheart. Anyway it’s a dumb movie, but leans into a fun kind of dumb, if you can vibe with Russell Crowe making big choices and just having some fun as a goofball doing his best. Plus it’s certainly ambitious to try to be The Exorcist, The Da Vinci Code, and The Evil Dead all in one hour of runtime.
Rating: 3/5
Week 15: a “B” movie
Okay so having bent the rules a little the last week I went pure B-movie. No trying to claim that because Bodies Bodies Bodies wasn’t a big hit and is a genre flick it qualifies. And I feel my penance is complete, because this movie is bad, it is so bad. It takes a pre-existing low-budget Russian sci-fi flick, re-dubs it, and then slaps on some extra footage of Mamie Van Doren and some other models in seashell bras and low-waisted pants lounging around plotting vengeance on the astronauts. It’s so very bad. Don’t seek it out, if you have fun watching this movie, seek therapy. But the following week I was easier on myself…
Rating: 1.5/5, feels generous, honestly
Week 16: silent film
This, simply put, is the funniest and most creative movie I have encountered in years. A man must learn to be a trapper in a winter forest running purely on cartoon logic. He must learn how to weaponize sight gags and physical comedy to his own benefit, while the beavers… well you should find out. The most brilliantly absurd piece of comedy filmmaking since before we already knew all the jokes from the Monty Python movies. I’ve seen it three times this year and I’m not done.
Rating: 5/5
Week 17: animated feature
All I knew about Nimona before I saw it was that it got a nomination for Best Animated Feature and reviewers I followed seemed happy about it, so I gave it a shot, and man alive what a movie this is. A gay POC amputee must unravel the political assassination he’s been framed for by people within the kingdom that feel a lower-class person being a prestigious knight is a sign of the end-times. This could be a very dark and difficult watch, except he gets aid from a delightfully chaotic shapeshifter, and instead of being a tonal clash, Nimona keeps it fairly light and fun and yet also emotionally deep, between her bonding with Ballister and her further insights into just how long the elite of this kingdom have held power by weaponizing fear of The Other. I felt so many things, it looks incredible, and despite how much I liked Elemental, I came out of this thinking “This is how good Pixar could be if they weren’t afraid of pissing off China.”
Rating: 4.5/5
Week 18: set in the distant future
I dunno, man, sometimes one of your oldest friends… enemies? Frienemeses?… has been obsessively talking about Zardoz so long you decide “You know what I may as well give it a whirl.” No? Just me? Well, anyway, it’s okay. It’s an interesting idea drenched in military-grade LSD. Either the best or worst movie to watch after popping an edible, I can’t be sure, can’t seem to make myself go to a dispensary, too anxious to get the thing that relaxes you, brains are fun.
Rating: 3/5
Week 19: Rich vs poor
A couple of comedy icons tear down the meritocracy myth, which is pretty satisfying to watch happen. It just takes longer than I’d like to get out of first gear, and come on, come on, THAT is the disguise you give Dan Aykroyd for the climax? A Jamaican in blackface? Jesus. Anyway, pretty okay overall.
Rating: 3.5/5
Week 20: set during your favorite time period
So during lockdown I’d put on YouTube playlists while I was doing other things, and one of them was based on songs from 80s film soundtracks. At the time, it pushed me to check out The Legend of Billie Jean, because I’d seen the video for “Invincible” by Pat Benetar so many times that I needed context. In second place, St. Elmo’s Fire, but it took me way longer to get to it. Probably because I’d heard it did not age well, and boy howdy they were right, all of these 80s youths should be in jail. Judd Nelson sells out his values to make more money working for a Republican senator, implies that it’s his girlfriend Ally Sheedy’s fault he keeps cheating on her because she won’t agree to marry him, then assaults people for dating her after she dumps him; Rob Lowe also assaults people for dating his wife, who he married because she was pregnant then bailed on; Demi Moore digs herself deeper and deeper into debt until her big plan to get out of it is to open all her windows and wait for the winter breeze to carry her to Heaven or Valhalla or the Heaviside Layer, a scene I could not believe wasn’t made up for the music video because Jesus; and worst of all is Emilio Estevez, who had one date with Andie McDowell back in the day that she very clearly did not find nearly as memorable, and thus devotes his life throughout the movie to stalking her and trying to lie, scheme, and bully her into finally becoming his girlfriend despite her lack of interest and very obvious boyfriend. Maybe Andie’s in second place for worst person, because she’s always so cheerful and understanding about it, and glamourizing what Emilio is doing probably got women killed.
Anyway it’s not great, despite an iconic cast. Feels much longer than it was.
Rating: 2/5
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